For my daughter

This is the first blog post entry dedicated to my daughter. There are trinkets of scotch screaming my name from the bottom of the glass. This blog is like a forgotten past. I don’t remember it. I don’t use it as an outlet. But it is a part of me. Keeping the ritual alive, I am drunk and missing my solitary escape. And to honor the rituals Breakdown from Tantric has found itself in my playlist.

I am going to settle for a song that reminds me of a time when I was scurrying around in my roommates car. Devoid of any obligations and free. I didn’t know it then. Looking for a gratifying kiss in darkest alleys. A breakup that left me broken and lost in dawns. Shine by Collective Soul. A beautiful song.

I don’t think everyone will ever get me. I think I am going to die a fake. Someone who lived to please others, pretending to know and show what he is about and like; but truly has no identity. I think in those last moments, I’ll have nothing that I’ll connect to. I am just going to slip out without anyone ever knowing or remembering me. And “In between” I’ll sip some elixir and find contentment from nothingness.

I am too drunk to write tonight, but I think I feel this sense of obligation to write something good. I know I have lost it. I could write so well earlier. Now it is hard for me to conjure up feelings and dress them up appropriately. It is almost ironical.

Anyway my love. I don’t know if you will ever see this side of me. Maybe you will. The technology would be advance enough to tell you that I wrote these blogs, maybe this site will live to tell the tale, maybe you will be able to see and understand internet as a whole. Maybe you will be more closer to me than I was to anyone. But here is something that probably drunken me can say it better than sober me.

Your mom and you are the reason I am here. I love you both. I think you two were best two decisions and outcomes of all my decisions. I love you both and I don’t know what I will do without you. I have tried my best to give you everything. I hope I am able to teach you about humility, confidence, being good and brave at the same time and that you need not care about anyone’s judgement. This is your life, live like you want it.

I am too naivee and too drunk to put it in words that may make sense century from now. But know this. Whatever you choose to do in life and whatever you decide; it is “you” and it is whom I “love”. I don’t love an idea of a perfect child. I love “You”.

Be well and go where life must take you. Don’t accept defeat. I believe you can do it, whatever it is. And I am here for you. Whether I am here physically or not. I am here.

Love you baby! You have been the biggest joy of my life.

Here is a song dedicated to you. The theme song from “The Intouchables” from “Una Mattina”.