Words, that made all the difference in my life.

I was there, doing a posting on Craiglist. I got responses and I think at least in my mind, I was hooking up with someone for a night. Absurdly I convinced myself it was ok. She would be ok with it.
While I did stuff, I was listening songs on Grooveshark. One of the songs that got queued up, was “What are words” by Chris Medina. It’s a nice song, but there was a line in there, that made the whole difference to me.

It just said; “Cause, what kind of guy would I be. If I was to leave when you need me most”.

I think; that just made me think; if thats all I really thought was to relationships. If thats only how much I valued her? If thats the kind of a guy I was. I had dreamt that there was a tragic event in my stay and I was never going to see her. It was a horrible dream. When I was posting stuff on craiglist for NSA or one night stands; I was thinking; hopefully I won’t get trapped into some kind of stupid thing; wondering if my dream would come true.

And then I just had that epiphany; my intention of hooking up for one night was the tragic event. That was the lowest level in my life I have ever been. I really missed her at that point and realized how dangerous loneliness is. This is not who I am.

I deleted the post; I deleted the emails. I apologized to everyone and replied to their emails; that it wasn’t happening. And even though I lost some respect for myself; it was the best decision I made.

It would have been ironical; as our first encounter was based on a petty promise I didn’t fulfill. And I was all ready out here to end my rock solid next 60 years prematurely. How the FUCK could I do that.

Thanks Chris for saving me and from humiliating myself in my own eyes. I owe you one for this song. One of the part that I really in this song.

Dedication of the day: “What are words” by Chris Medina.

Anywhere you are, I am near

Anywhere you go, I’ll be there

Anytime you whisper my name, you’ll see

How every single promise I keep

Cuz what kind of guy would I be

If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words

If you really don’t mean them

When you say them

What are words

If they’re only for good times

Then they don’t

When it’s love

Yeah, you say them out loud

Those words, They never go away

They live on, even when we’re gone

And I know an angel was sent just for me

And I know I’m meant to be where I am

And I’m gonna be

Standing right beside her tonight

And I’m gonna be by your side

I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words

If you really don’t mean them

When you say them

What are words

If they’re only for good times

Then they don’t

When it’s love

Yeah, you say them out loud

Those words, They never go away

They live on, even when we’re gone

Anywhere you are, I am near

Anywhere you go, I’ll be there

And I’m gonna be here forever more

Every single promise I keep

Cuz what kind of guy would I be

If I was to leave when you need me most

I’m forever keeping my angel close

I know today it may not look like that big a deal; but one day when I remember this day back; I would know that it made all the difference to who I would be.

Thanks for keeping me on track. I don’t believe in god; but it must be karma.

May the force be with me.