Take me away, million miles from here
It’s lovely outside. Cool breeze and cloudy skies. My favorite. But I shielding myself behind a huge glass pane overlooking a busy crossing; abstaining from small pleasures of life. Why you ask? My wine glass won’t come out with me and so here I am. :)
It’s funny how that works; you want something and then it chains you in its shackles; so bad, that there is no un-doing. I had several thoughts while I sat here, watching people go about their business. I could give up my job and be a window cleaner, taxi driver, server in a restaurant or just a mountain climber. I could try all those things and learn new stuff. But I can’t or to be more precise, I won’t. My mind is chained to my social security; my soul is chained to my wife and my want to breathe fresh air outside is chained to this glass of wine here. Weird, I got that wine because I was bored. Anyway…
The song playing right now is “Take me away” and the one that will play after this is “Take me away, million miles from here”. Both of them are different songs but essentially both calling out me to be out of here. And wait, you haven’t heard the most ironical part of it; I am at no where doing nothing for no reason. I am probably at the place, where these songs are indicating that I should be taken too. Now thats what you call confused and irrational.
It’s a stupid life, thats for sure and I am not surely using it well. On my way back from wine store, I was wondering that for a day like today, I feel miserable because my wife is miserable and she just handed over her misery to me; oh wait she *shared her misery* with me. Handing over would probably imply she she isn’t miserable anymore. But she genuinely is. It’s just that; she can jump that thin line and confront me and hand me all that shit she is going through. Pretty reasonable eh? But what about me?? Well, thats what I have got this wine glass for. To share my misery. But like I said, I am chained to it now and probably more miserable than ever.
Anyway, what I was really saying was that on my way back I was wondering if I knew that I’d be more miserable being here, in place I am all alone with no one to be part of my life, to share the problems that I have, to support me; or I am more miserable now. I think I low my wife a lot and I am sure, million times miserable without her. I ogle at girls day long; but there is not a time, that when I hit bed, when I think of anyone else being in my life than her. I just wish, that sometimes I hope that she’d understand; that she is not the only one who is sacrificing in this relationship. I have given up a lot of my freedom, my prerogatives and things core to what I am. I use to be a guy, who doesn’t give a shit; who would just do what he wants; and lot of that “want” would be lot different than what he does today; but here I am; giving shit about stuff, abstaining, restraining and caring about everyone around him. It just isn’t easy and no matter how cool I am about everything I am requested for or asked for; I have gripes; I have opinions and I have my limitations.
Anyway, thats why I have this fucking blog. So take that shit and bury it deep into the ocean of nothingness. And while you do that; I must walk upto that mirror and say to myself; I am a happy man and everything is fine! :)
The the pounding beats of sorrow that come across to my world sometimes; but otherwise; I am pretty ok. The song playing now is “Until is sleeps”. Pretty apt; I’d say. :)
Third glass of wine and it’s going pretty awesome. :)
I am wondering why am I drinking from glass and not from bottle. I always wanted to drink from a bottle.
Anyway. I know no one is hearing me; it’s pretty disheartening and I wish, someone would just say to me, that they love me, because they just do and because they mean it. Fuckers.
Fuck you.