Tell me why you have chosen me?

And it’s a dream. Or maybe it’s not. It’s so hard to differentiate anyway. In between stepping out of dream world and stepping back into it; you live reality somewhere in between. And yet you stay so oblivious to it. But I guess, the reality marks it’s presence with the depressing lurch and free fall feeling that it brings. And before the blood in your veins succumbs to the ultimate tact of depression; illusions recoil the feeling and pull you up.

Eventually; it becomes the rise and fall of king everyday. Because if in your own realm you are not the king; who else is? Every single day faith and trust unites and fortifies. But the devil of depression and suspicion corrodes it away. And once again I am left wondering and unsure looking for assurances and clues of love that I long for so intensely.

For a month now; it is just a echo that is left. I feel; we humans are so pathetic. Greedy evil creatures who take anything and everything for granted; comfortably ignoring the immense sacrifice and effort behind it. And yet I cannot make up my mind; because I do not know which is better or worse? Knowing that you can never be loved and living with it; like there was no end to world. Or getting love that you always wanted and knowing it’s fading away or at least with each passing moment “it might be!”.

I hate suspense. I hate uncertainty. I wanna know for sure! Always.

Preaching for hours; how you can live and fight against depression; I know the truth in it’s entirety that I “love” depression and can’t live without it.
I know for sure; I love you. But I know at the same time; it’s all in my head. Maybe one of them is eternal truth but I am not ready to find out. I am scared of the answer I don’t wanna hear.

To be honest; I am the biggest coward there ever was. :’(
Low you. Right now that is the only truth for me. And I am insecure and scared about you. Please don’t leave me.
~Me

Song in my head :: Until it sleeps - Metallica

Where do I take this pain of mine
I run but it stays right by my side

So tear me open and pour me out
There’s things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps

Just like the curse, just like the stray
You feed it once and now it stays
Now it stays

So tear me open but beware
There’s things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until I’m clean

It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you so hold me
Until it sleeps

So tell me why you’ve chosen me
Don’t want your grip, don’t want your greed
Don’t want it

I’ll tear me open make you gone
No more can you hurt anyone
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me, until it sleeps

It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you, holds you, holds you
until it sleeps (x4)

I Don’t want it want it want it want it want it
No

So tear me open but beware
There’s things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me ‘til I’m clean

I’ll tear me open make you gone
No longer will you hurt anyone
And the hate still shapes me
So hold me
until it sleeps