Self Denial!

Today is a very special day. And yet every day in life is special. It’s just upto us, how we live it?
It’s a subtle phase of self denial. It’s a unusual time of “need”. There are so many things that I need right now. My life is one of them. It’s not very often that I stop to think, where am I going?
Thats the biggest problem with me. For all the enthusiasm that I have to keep moving, to keep afloat and to keep the pace, the biggest pitfall in my life is, my screwed up sense of direction. often I waste so much of effort and energy in re-tracing my steps back. If it wasn’t myself, I would term the person as “moron” or maybe “looser”. :)

Anyway, its one of those rarest days, when I stop to think in front of my cupboard mirror and shed some tears while reconciling my efforts, failures and shortcomings. I realize, that I have thrown away several offerings in recent past and I am still not sure, whether I should commend myself for this gutsy breakthrough for looking beyond the obvious and identifying a bait from an oppurtunity or should I just regret the most stupid thing that I have ever done in my life. Whatever it is, it’s now a mere “experience”. :)

I hope, I don’t loose my enthusiasm and will to stay afloat because, I know in long run that is what will actually matter. :)
Several people have turned me down today. From various perspectives. Few have tagged me as a irresponsible or unconcerned co-worker as well as a lousy friends and few have labelled me as a pointless acquaintance. Others, decided I was just nobody, that I was already scared, that I was. And eversince I have been caught up in whirlpool of depression.

Maybe I am not a people person and that explains that while whole world is partying the night out on an occasion of “festival colors” I am plugged into a machine, being not so different from itself. However music in my ears, says something very sensible right now :

Excerpt from “Bombs” by “Faithless”

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We think we’re heroes, we think we’re kings
We plan all kinds of fabulous things
Oh look how great we have become

Key in the door, the moment I’ve been longing for
Before my bag hit the floor
My adorable children rush up screaming for a kiss,
and a story, they’re a gift to this world
My only claim to glory
I surely never knew sweeter days
Blows my mind like munitions
I’m amazed

So much heaven, so much hell
So much love, so much pain
So much more than I thought this world could ever contain
So much war, so much soul
Moments lost, moments go
So much more than I thought this world can ever hold
We’re just children, we’re just dust
[ these lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
We are small and we are lost
And we’re nothing, nothing at all

One bomb, the whole block gone
Can’t find me children and dust covers the sun
Everywhere is noise, panic and confusion
But to some, another fun day in Babylon
I’m gonna bury my wife and dig up my gun
My life is done so now I got to kill someone

So much heaven, so much hell

My today’s secret is : I just cried a lot on phone today and she doesnt know it! :) Yet, may god bless her. Probably, she saved me from my insanity today. Like always. :)