I stay away!

Lost and lost again. Just purring engines, shutting off complete world of so called “civilization” from mine. Running in wilds of my own thoughts, I was franatically looking for depression and cure! I found both. One in dark corner of my room and one in gleaming expensive bottle of spirit.

And now, my world resonates with “I am the man in the box, Buried in my shit, Wont you come and save me, save me….”
Though, this time I am not looking for an answer. Sometimes, you don’t look for an answer, you just look for a hand. Hand, that would either push you or pull you, because to be honest “standing on edge” is not my thing. Answers are for those, who need them! What will I do with them? I am not a monk. I am not looking out for salvation. I am not waiting for nirvana. I am not awaiting judgements for my karma. I am not serving purpose or doing deeds.

I am here, because I was put here. Because I had no choice. If someone had asked me, I would have chosen to be nowhere and chosen to be nothing. Atleast, then you don’t race against yourself and time. Above of all, you don’t race alone.

Anyway, philosophy apart, I am going to discuss something that I have been noticing for a while now!
Every day I enter office and there are several guys in office, whom I ask “Hey, howz life”… Not once I have seen face and eyes say the same thing that words do. I don’t know what is everyone’s pain? But I know for sure, there is bounty of it. No matter how casual that question may sound, it just surmises whole life behind those frowns of growing up! Why do we have to grow up? Why do I have to care if I am politically correct or if I have answered diplomatically or if I have done what is technically right?

Why back seat to morals and ethics? Why morals and ethics at all? Why anything at all? Why can’t I be just me? Why can you not love me for that? Or more appropriatly, why can’t I find someone who would just love me for who I am?

I am tired of pretending, I am tired of evolving, if that is what you choose to term it. I am tired of being perfect. I don’t wanna be perfect. I’d rather be nothing. And yet, I just can’t stand being nothing! Why? Why I just cannot accept that I am not the guy who is sugar coated with valor and courage. I am not the guy who would jump into gushing water and pull out lives. Why can’t I just be void and still not look down upon?
And yet, I have just one life and I might as well be what I can be!?

Wish I could say, “I don’t know and I don’t care”. And the perfect irony is “I CAN say that and yet I wont!”. Why?

Because I am scared to be a loser. But then do I think of myself any better already?
Can I just stop trying to hard? Can I make myself believe, that I must stop because no one is watching! Just like no one is reading…

Orange Juice and vodka. You know why it hits so hard and fast? Because sugar/glucose helps alcohol molecules break down faster. Simple chemistry! There goes the last sip, and all that I can here now is “Run @tom Run! As fast as you can…. leave this world far behind”.

But I just can’t. Those who brought me here and still holding me back. If not for myself, then for them I must look down this edge.

I hope I am able to bteak it all away someday, not to prove that I am not a coward, but to be “nothing” that I want to be. It’s lonely up here.