So I stand alone. Still...

Slow Day.
You know I have these few friends, who I meet every now and then because they are low and depressed and they are just looking for venting out.
Am nobody’s savior angel. I am not Mother-Figure. I just another guy round the corner, with a big ear to lend.

I have few people who would call upon me now and then.
Last time dumbo had bad days, I called her up, sent her old-long-forgotten personalized “good morning” mail with “cute pic of the day”. She was touched, but apparently coudln’t find time to reply more than 4 lines. She said “Sorry, but I was busy”.

Last time friend2 had fights going on with her bf, and she wanted some soul threapy, I spent night in busy talking to her. Listening about her deepest fear. Things have been better since then, but yeah, she’s been busy too. Afterall, who isn’t?

Last time friend3 was going through a rough patch and mood swing, I sent a mail telling to cheer up. Did few other things. Got a quick and short mail that said “Thanks” in 2 lines. I guess, like everyone busy?

Last time, friend4 had a bad day, I called up and cheered her up with regular thrice-a-day phone calls. When she was glum with loss of very close one, I made sure that I called twice almost everyday, so that she doesn’t get lost in spirals of depression. She pulled through quite well. Atleast, thats what I feel. Maybe it’s far from truth. She’s always been nice to me; but when last time I screamed at her with someone elses anger, it took her a week, to call that cold war off. I was pretty much hurt anyway.

Last time, I spend 8 months doing stuff for DP, from project work, to hand made gifts, from movie cds, to song cds, to hand woven wool patch, to hand made “cheer-up” puzzle, to poems, to “sweet-messages”, to letters, to emails, to anything and everything… I got nothing, but a feeling of non-existence.

Last time, I made something special for someone I liked, it found it’s way to trash-bin; because it was too risky to keep something that didn’t say anything but nice things about good friends.

Last time I bought flowers to someone who complained of never getting flowers… did nothing but called me “cheap” because one day I incidently did not have money in wallet to pay for lunch and asked them to pay for once…

Last time I bunked worked, bought flowers, chocltaes and played scrabble with someone who was sick for days and prescribed to bed… I had to wait for 3 months before they could find time in schedule to see me for 1 hour, and that too with “conditions”.

So.. whats with “Last time” rantings? eh?
Well, just wondering, what happened to “old me”.
I guess, it’s just hard for me to be nice to someone now. It hurts, how people overlook all this so simply. It’s not like I am jobless or not busy.

Today, when I am sorrow-stricken and depressed, lying in my room, crying my eyes out; I am 100% sure that not one person in this world is thinking about what am I upto, and if he/she sould find out that I am ok, even though it’s been so long. And there is not one person, I can call to say, “help me today to just get through the day”.

Pretty life huh?
No matter, who you know, sooner or later you’d still stand alone.
Feel like I should switch off my cellphone for few days and go down deep into that cave of solitary.
My mind is made. I am not gonna recieve any calls. Will just be gone for a while. Maybe for good.

Fuck OFF world! Just leave me alone, like you always do.

Black sabbath - Solitude

</u>
My name it means nothing
My fortune is less
My future is shrouded in dark wilderness
Sunshine is far away, clouds linger on
Everything I posessed - now they are gone

Oh where can I go to and what can I do?
Nothing can please me only thoughts are of you
You just laughed when I begged you to stay
Ive not stopped crying since you went away

The world is a lonely place - youre on your own
Guess I will go home - sit down and moan.
Crying and thinking is all that I do
Memories I have remind me of you