Flimsy Line Of Smoke

Sitting and staring at stupid screen. I look placid, serene and quite. That is on outside. Inside, I am fretting with each passing moment! I am literally running inside the walls of my screaming head and stumbling every second just to realize inevitable truth. She is gone. Yes.. This fucking close, and yet she is gone. Or almost gone.
I’ll be just alone. Once again. Or on second thoughts, “Like always”.
Anyway, I have made this choice; and no matter what; I have to live with it. uuuggghh!!! [clenched fist and fingernails, are nimbly looking for their chance for a smooth entry in my palm. Blood seems to be peeping right into my eyes, from the other side of frail and pale skin]
I hate … I don’t know what… not her, not me, not you. Yet, there is so much of it trapped inside. All of it just want to explode out. Splattered on my face, with hands dirty and dripping with it..
I am the saviour of this hate inside me. And I owe it to myself.

I always listened to people, who said “savour each moment, it’s not gonna come back. And thats how you are going to make best of it”. I did. I so fucking did! I savored each moment, I lived into it. And yet, when it’s over, It’s still an illusion, and now it hurts even more; because I lived it so closely. I broke all rules. I crossed all lines. And now I am just nothing but a lintball soaked in guilt for myself.

I am ashamed of myself. I am sorry for myself. I am apathetic for myself.
I am just wishing so badly right now, that someone comes and holds me by hand and take me to a place, where I can get myself to not look back, and start building my dreams once again.
Teach me to dream once again. Please…

Probably, I’ll go to temple again one of these days and god will just mock and say “So you are back! Aren’t ya?” And I would have no answer. Fuck!! Helplessness! I loathe this feeling. Fuck it!

Anyway, I have decided that right thing would be to move on. For her. For me. Yes, that is what I must do. There are no other options. Why am I so derangedly in love?
Why the fuck!? Any need??

I need something to hang onto right now. Or maybe I could just get stoned and let the day pass in dizzy blurr. I would love that. Yeah.. I know what am I gonna do today! [Evil grin… ]

Faril trail of smoke from ciggrette end
Thats what I am today
Result of someone’s life wasted on me
and mine wasted on theirs.
We are poision to each other,
yet addicted;
and meaningless without each other.
Sounds so incoherent.
But, madness and obsessions are never sane.
Fretting and insane, I am looking for an escape
I am trying to dream, beyond my madness
help.
I guess, it’s too late.
Kill me. Anyway, I’m going to consume myself!
Adieu carefree world. See you in hell…