Alone...

Entered home, after a day long ride around town. I see my cellphone still lying on my bed. Felt my pocket. Yes, it was home all day. I just didn’t realize. Unlocked keypad. 0 Calls, 0 Messages. I have been gone for 12 hours or more. Damn, Cheers to my social life.
Few days back, after little research I figured I am suffering from bi-polar depression disease or something similar. Though I haven’t been sucidal as yet.
Thanks to whatever is preventing that.
And yet, somewhere inside, I felt alone. Really alone.
My roommate has gone to canada. I am “suppose” to be alone. And yet, I feel; that nothing has changed in last 7-8 years. I am still gasping for social life; and yet I would hate to have any.

To shake off the feeling, I search though my cellphone list, as to whom I can call and talk. 300 contacts listed. And no one, whom my heart would approve of calling. Not in my deserted hour. Fuck people!

Fuck fucking people!

It’s 2 o clock in night, I am not sleepy; but I am suppose to be. Hell, I want to break out and blabber. I want to scream. I want to cry and I want to hold on to something.

I am wishing, I had a dog. He’d be a perfect companion. But only reason that I don’t have one, because, I can’t make a perfect companion myself.

So much for resolution, so much for quitting. So much for her. I have prepared a surprise box for her, with all past few year’s bday gifts. She’d be in town soon. I am still contemplating whether to meet her or not. Mind says, give the box; and vanish. Heart says, want to see her Once. Just once. Please.

Do I really owe it to myself. Do I really have to do this to myself? The question has always lingered and will always do. Fuck her!

Will I ever make a perfect son. Am I going to answer all the questions, that has been raised to my role; out of nowhere. So sudden, as to catch me off-guard. Am I ever going to make the right choice. Am I ever going to live my dreams? Am I going to answer my own questions? Fuck me!

Sometimes, you know; that all your friends are just names you know. Because, some just don’t have time. For some the distance is good enough a excuse. For some you are not intresting always. For some, they are not in mood. And for few you are just a name too. And for her, you exists. But thats all you do.

I heard, bee-gees :: Alone. Felt pity for myself. And then suddenly ecstatic.

Well, anyway; I know thats ok, it’s bi-polar depression working. I ought to see a psychatrist, and yet I can’t afford him or his anti-depressents right now. God bless my insane soul.

Finally, I feel sucidal. Ain’t I lucky!

I am not lost. I am just alone. I hate this feeling, but I guess, I have come too far to shed it off, easily. I need help. But as long as I don’t just shed it off; I can’t expect help. Yeah.. damn right once again. Fucking Irony it is.

After long time.. Song of the day :: With or without you - U2.
For first time in life, I really don’t feel like living. I am scared… [after long time]