Beat

Feeling beat today, on every front.

Woke up with a cold and a tiredness that won’t let go. I was hoping to sleep it off, but dad’s caretaker was on leave today, so there wasn’t much rest to be had. On top of that, school holidays are wrapping up, and I had to help my daughter finish her school project, spent a few hours on that with her. After that I tried watching a movie and fell asleep within the first five minutes, only to wake up ten minutes later to the sound of dad trying to get up. I helped him, then lay down next to him. Ten minutes after that, he was up again, and this time it came with an accident that meant a full bath, a clothes change, scrubbing the bathroom, the entire ceremony. Made tea for both of us and tried to finally relax, and that’s when office called about something urgent, despite today being a holiday. That ate up the rest of the evening, even though I had no energy left for it. Right after that, the cook called to say she was taking the day off too.

On another front, I’ve spent the last two days being extremely disciplined on diet and aggressive on exercise, and yet every single morning I wake up to the scale going up anyway. Today I was hoping yesterday’s effort would finally show. It didn’t. I still gained. I was genuinely disappointed, disappointed enough that I gave up restraint entirely today and ate outside food. Still protein, technically, but completely unchecked.

I also found out what’s coming up this week and next, and it’s going to be far more hectic than the last two days combined, possibly for the next four weeks straight. I already feel overwhelmed just thinking about it.

I know my dad is depressed and has given up on his life, and he asks me for impossible things. I asked him what he’d like for dinner, and he told me he’d like to die, the same way he answers almost everything these days. I’m used to this kind of response by now, and I understand why he says it, maybe half meaning it. I always respond with, “ask me what I can give you, this is something I can’t.” He usually goes quiet after that, but today he said, “you can easily strangle me by the neck.” I asked him if he’d do the same for me, if I ever asked. He laughed, then didn’t answer. It just made me sad. I know this isn’t really about me, but somehow it still leaves me feeling more inadequate.

I hope tomorrow is better, and that I get some of my energy back. I need to see if I can find a bed entirely to myself, uninterrupted sleep. There’s this growing urge in me to just be left alone for a few days. No social contact. No people.