Plan

After writing out everything that was swirling through my mind last night, I got into bed by 10:30 pm, hoping to catch a good night’s sleep. Sleep had other plans. Whether it was the 8-hour drive, the three cups of tea I’d had late in the evening, or the sheer medley of thoughts in my head, I honestly can’t say, but I think I was up the entire night until 5:30 am, when I was supposed to get up anyway for a hornbill sighting. My watch, though, tells me I slept for 3.5 hours somewhere in there. If that’s true, great.

Mostly, I was thinking about how to actually plan this out. What am I going to do, concretely. After a lot of back and forth, I landed on a few things.

1. I need someone who can help me think clearly at every step. Someone not personally invested in the outcome, who still understands my context and genuinely cares about me. I realize I’ve never actually opened up to my sister about what’s happening in my life. I’m not looking for her to solve this or make decisions for me, but we can be each other’s sounding board, just listening. She’s actually been asking me to do exactly that. I’ve been meaning to take a weekend trip with her anyway, maybe that’s where this starts. Where do I even begin? I think I need to take a leap of faith and just tell her everything that’s happened so far. She might be shocked, or not love how this has played out, but knowing her, she’ll land somewhere in the middle. From there, I can lean on her, and she on me, whenever we need to. That alone should give me the clarity I’m missing whenever I’m in doubt. There’s a real chance her view leans toward making things work, and if it does, and she convinces me, then that’s what I’ll do. It has to be an honest conversation, and an honest attempt.

2. I need to prepare myself for the fact that it’s unfair to expect her, or anyone else, to simply be okay with my situation. That’s a conversation for later, once I’ve actually figured this part out. But I need to accept now that life afterward might be lonely, and that I may never find anyone else. And that’s fine. That’s what I’m signing up for. I also don’t want to talk about any of this with anyone, especially her, until I’ve worked through my existing life first, not before. This is one thing I absolutely need to do differently this time.

3. I need to get all our wills in order and sort out finances. I don’t know which way any of this goes, where I’ll end up, or who I’ll end up with. What I do want is to make sure my kids, my wife, and their future are financially secure. I can’t guarantee what she’ll want to do, but I’m clear on exactly how I want my own will structured. No confusion, no ambiguity. I also need to think about cutting down my financial liabilities in the short term, maybe even accelerate that, and then take a fresh look at the finances. There will likely be other storms along the way.

4. I need to give this enough time, but not forever. Somewhere around 12 months feels right, enough to land somewhere with a clear view of how things actually stand. I don’t want to feel rushed, but I also don’t want to dilly-dally.

5. Finally, I need to be clear on why I’m doing this. I’m doing this for myself, to address the general dissatisfaction that comes from the absence of love in my life, and to find a relationship that doesn’t leave me with regret. This isn’t about anyone else. It isn’t about one specific person. It’s about me. I’ll have to go through the nightmare of finding someone who actually fits my mental model of a relationship, and I’m ready for that.

6. Lastly, I need to figure out how to talk about this with my kids, my wife, and my sister. I don’t need a prepared speech, but I do need to get my thoughts in order so I cause the least anxiety and grief possible. I also need to think hard about how I avoid accidentally excluding myself from my kids’ lives, since that’s the single biggest thing that could sap my motivation to see this through.

I’m nervous. There’s a nagging voice in the back of my head asking, is this even necessary? Haven’t we had a good life? I think I need to keep reminding myself, more regularly, why this actually matters. I need to believe in it. Nothing in life is truly necessary except what’s forced on us, but some things still need to be taken charge of. I’m also considering whether I should talk to a relationship expert, just to see how other people have navigated something like this.

I also need to sleep enough tonight, have a long drive of another 8 hours before I reach back home and sleep in one of the familiar beds.