Paradox

We had a short drive today to our next destination. Everyone else was listening to music, while I relied on muscle memory to drive and navigate, my mind somewhere else entirely, breaking down the paradoxes I keep running into in my life.

Sometimes I feel completely alone, and at the same time I feel like I make my entire life too much about myself. What am I getting out of this, how do I feel, always circling back to me. Maybe other people don’t wrestle with this because they’re more invested in the lives of the people around them, genuinely finding more pleasure in their company, their well-being, their presence. I keep living this paradox of operating as a caregiver while staying fundamentally focused on myself as an individual. Isn’t that true? I love my kids, and I also love the time away from them. I want my life to revolve around them, and I want my life to belong to me too.

Another paradox: there’s a person in my life. We had kids together, loved each other, work well as a team. But our definitions of love differ. How we express it differs. Sometimes even our politics differ. Part of me wants to break her heart, and part of me simply cannot bring myself to do it. Every time I try to walk away, I get pulled back down by the guilt, what have I done to her life, my inability to keep my own promises, how will she survive this, isn’t it too late in life to start over? Have I actually tried everything, or is there genuinely no hope left? Is this choice coming from convenience, or from conviction? I’m the one pushing myself away, and then I fight myself the moment I actually move. I’m not supposed to abandon the people I love.

Paradox related to another person: I tell myself I still love her, and then in the same breath I tell myself it isn’t love at all, just the absence of physical touch dressed up to feel like love. I pull her in, then push her back out. I can picture a whole life with her, and then I talk myself into believing we’re completely incompatible.

I’d like to leave my job, convincing myself it’s stunting my growth, and then on other days I tell myself the trust I’ve built with the people around me is something I’d never find anywhere else, and leaving this safe shore would be pure madness.

I think this paradoxical streak is probably coded into my DNA at this point. Some people are so certain of their choices, and I envy that completely. They might be wrong, but in their own mind they’re right, and they never waver. It must be so comforting, that level of self assurance. What good is all this self awareness, this pragmatism, if none of it ever actually delivers clarity?

All anyone really needs is to make a choice and walk it all the way down, no matter what. So far, every choice I’ve ever made has come from convenience rather than conviction.

What would I actually need to do, if I wanted to change who I am as a person? I’m willing to seek help, but I need someone, or something, that can actually walk me through this.

I hope I find it, before it’s too late to make the choices I still need to make.