Forest

I poured my feelings out before going to sleep, and they followed me straight into it. I remember waking up somewhere in the middle of the night, still turning over the same question: what am I even trying to do here?

I thought I’d done my best to move on, that staying absent from her life would make it easier for her to walk out of this forest we’re both found ourselves in. And yet, I keep finding myself wandering back into it. I ask myself, can’t I just walk away from here and leave her behind, trusting she’ll find her own way out? My mind insists that would be the right thing for both of us. My heart refuses to agree, refuses to commit to it. I can’t be the one who leaves her wandering alone in here and walks away.

I don’t have it in me to leave this place until I’m the only one left in it. That’s the only way out I know for myself.

I have no control over her. She’ll do what she wills, and all I can do is sit here and watch it unfold. Somewhere further down this road, there’s more pain waiting for me (as is for her I am sure), and I think I’m signing up for it anyway.

All of this has only made one thing clear: I tell myself things, try to make myself believe them, but that’s not how feelings actually disappear. They just sit there, repressed, buried underneath. One jolt is all it takes, and it comes oozing back out.

Like she said, we make our choices, and choices carry consequences. I’m willingly signing up for whatever is coming.

It is quiet now
the mud crunches
beneath my feet
as I tread
She is somewhere out there
searching for a way out
from this forest of feelings
she followed me into
while I, unassumingly led