Disruption

Poets have long romanticized how moths are drawn to light even when it costs them their life, wrapping their deaths in tales of madness and love. Science disagrees. Moths are drawn to light because artificial light disrupts their natural navigation system. They evolved to fly in a straight line using the distant moon and stars as a fixed reference. When a much closer artificial light enters the picture, it confuses that system entirely, and they lose their sense of direction, spiraling into the very thing that’s killing them.

We talked, first over a call and then over messages, for a good part of the day yesterday, and I was ecstatic the whole time. But as I was drifting off to sleep, I caught myself asking, what is this doing to her? We’re just chatting as friends, technically, but if I’m honest, we’re just drawing a harder boundary around the exact same behavior. The same obsessive pull toward each other. I asked myself again, why does this keep happening in cycles? The absence of love makes me want it more, crave it even. Like she said, we all need our hit. Once the dopamine wears off, I find myself wandering back toward her, chasing that same hit, only to walk away again. I don’t want to keep doing that. I want to break this cycle. If not for my own sake, then for hers.

How is she supposed to find the world she deserves if I’m the artificial light pulling her off her natural course? What do I do?

How do I tell her that I’ll always be here for her, but that I want her to go find the person who becomes her whole world? I know it’s not easy, there are no guarantees, only a path that asks for faith. I also know she’s trying. She’s smart enough to already see all of this, and honestly, it’s not my place to say anything anymore. She’s figured out everything else in her life on her own. I’m certain she’ll figure this out too. We both will.

That pull in the unknown ahead,
I fly towards, leaving a wake.
With a hope to find my paramour,
I have put everything at stake.

My senses thrown into a disarray,
with bright lights shimmering on lake.
Disoriented, I circle endlessly,
caught in the cycle until daybreak.

I must find way from this treacherous light,
with only a false promise to make.
There is nothing real for me here,
only carnage and recurring heartbreak.