Frustration

I am so frustrated with my body right now. It’s been more than 15 days since the symptoms started. The inflammation medication course is over, and I’m only on beta blockers now. My heart rate seems to have settled into a normal range, though I can’t tell if that’s the medicine or the fact that my T3 and T4 levels have come down along with the inflammation.

My body was starting to feel creaky, so yesterday I decided to ease back into a light workout. Just a brisk walk for a couple of kilometers and my usual stair climbs. I felt fine during the walk, but by evening I was exhausted and a bit short of breath. My resting heart rate had crept up slightly by morning too, and I woke up tired. I figured a bit of exercise would shake it off, so I went for an uphill climb. Twenty minutes in, I was drenched in sweat and completely spent. And to top it off, my left knee started aching. It had been fine for three months straight, and now, out of nowhere, there’s a dull pain around it. Unreal.

Eventually I gave up and went home to rest. I feel like I’ve given my body enough time, enough rest, enough medication to have bounced back by now. If anything, I expected the trend to have reversed by this point.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonably impatient, or if it’s genuinely too much to expect my body to cooperate a little. I’m also worried that too long a break will undo the habit I worked so hard to build.

Either way, I know I need to listen to my body. I’m wondering if I should stop the beta blockers for a bit and see if the lower heart rate holds without them, or if it really was just the medicine all along. Maybe I should stop trying to play both doctor and patient.

I have an appointment this week, so hopefully I’ll know more soon. I just want to get back on my feet and be running a 12k again.

It’s disheartening watching the one thing I was born with refuse to cooperate, like it’s slowly abandoning me. Given my family history, I think I carry real anxiety about a body that stops working as it ages.