Cycles

I have been travelling. Came down to a house where I grew up in my teenage and adoloscent years. Memories rushing back from school and the time I spent in this house. I am here to be a caregiver for a person who has undergone a surgery.

Today seems to be generally a better day for me. Spent big part of it reflecting as to why do I operate in these cycles of hope and despair. This need for being loved and being free. Need for Solitude and detestation of lonliness. All this time the choices have always been with me and I have made them and then I have gone back to question them. Then why do I feel this lack of control? It just seems to be a perpetual cycle, like everything else in nature.

I was just flipping through old letters and reading the eternal promises of friendship I and she made, that seem to mean nothing now. One bound by resolution and other one by a strong sense of boundaries. Prioritising what is important to self than the other, possibly in both the cases.

If she put me to a test on this, what would I do? I have wondered. I am thinking about that and reflecting back on the letter I wrote to her few days back. Atleast the last part of it. Here is the paraphrased version of it.

I miss you. I am extremely sorry to have hurt you. I know I did. It is unforgivable and I understand that. Yet, I don’t think I will reach out and apologise. Apology has no meaning without amends. And I have no way or intention of making amends. I miss you because you were closest to someone I meaningfully loved in a long time. I could tell you everything. And I miss our conversation but I don’t miss the complexity of our lives. I feel free but also lonely. This is acceptable to me, on most days. Just that today is not that day. This is a very very selfish I miss you. If you came back and said that to me I wouldn’t be able to reciprocate. Like I had said, we were a perfect fit in some ways and not a fit in other. For things that are important to me in my life right now, I am not able to fit you in. And you deserve to be treated better and with more love. That is why I absolutely believe that I did the right thing by disappearing on you. Subjective and highly debatable. Sure. I hope you are well baby (tears are rolling down just saying that word). Except an occasional reference I have not said that to anyone in such a long time. I miss saying that to you! You were such a joy! For this moment right now, I would give up everything to be with you. I miss you.

Ultimately, whenever I think about this topic of what role I have ended playing in the life of someone I genuinely cared about so much, the only rationalisation I have found for myself (mostly so that I can sleep peacefully at night) is

It is ok to disappoint others if it means not disappointing yourself