Stranded

I woke up with a numb mind. There was no plan to get out of the bed except the untimely work event that presented itself. That definitely got me moving but with a heavy heart and drudgingly slow mind.

Since then I have navigated my day with immense resistence. Feeling low and discouraged, I have been asking myself is this what rest of my life is going to be like? What can I do to change it?

How can I find contentment and peace, that eschews me so boldly? Do I need friends, do I need solitude, do I need purpose, do I need love, do I need people, do I need family, or do I just need to go back in time? Where did I cross over into this swamp of quicksand, where it takes immense effort to brave each day?

Sometimes I need a fresh start. Like, I need to be reborn. With new frame of mind, no baggage of the past, nothing to pull me down. And I need nourishment of love. But what is that love? Is it someone sitting next to me holding me? Is it physical? Is it someone just thinking about me? Is it someone who just cares about it? What is this elusive love that I keep looking for? How can I define it?

Just these questions ricocheting in my mind like a loose bullet. Everytime they hit a wall, it chips away a part of it. Overtime dismantling my sanity and I grow more and more frustrated with this lack of control on my life and my mind.

I want to go with the flow. But the flow won’t go with me. It is leaving me behind. Stranded and alone. I don’t think there is hope for me.