Liberated

I was sleep deprived for last few days. Was travelling for work and returning to home in cab. Cab rides, remind me of me talking to her. The long chats we use to have and the frivilous things we use to say. The tired mind and lonely soul got sucked into the whirlwhind of memories.

In that moment, my mind was swirling with emotions. I felt reaching out and talking to her. Expressing how I was feeling. Contradictions were all over were me. I realized that I needed to let it all out but not at the cost of her or my sanity.

I figured for someone who has blocked me and cannot unblock me now, my letters would never be delivered to her. So I took a leap of faith and poured my heart out to her. Bared my soul into a letter. I shot it across into a void. Trembling with anxiety what if she read it? What if she received it?

Thankfully, atleast I think she did not, and it sits there in void. Capturing that moment of hopelessness for me. I can go back and read it. It was like capturing my emotions in a glass bottle and locking them away. Only to be admired momentarily every now and then.

I feel lighter having said everything that I wanted to. I feel happy to be able to say it to her and yet not to her. This is the best compromise I could have asked for. I don’t feel guilty, I don’t feel constrained.

I feel liberated, with a pseudo-void in my life, that is her. I don’t know how long this will last, but it works for now and that is more than what I can ask for. One step at a time.