Song In Heart

The sensor bell for his movement went off in the wee hours of the morning. I got up to help him and after helping him I found myself unable to go back to sleep. I ended up doomscrolling as usual.

Came across a song used as a background score by one of the videos on social media. It was a Tamil song by Iliayaaraja. This reminded me of a song that she once shared she me as one of her favourites. Unfortunately I didn’t remember the name or anything else about the song except a little context of what it was about. Thanks to the modern technology and its ability to deal with fuzzy asks, I was able to eventually find it. It was a song by Yesudas.

Since then the tune for both songs is stuck in my head reminding me of the long morning chats in general, over the phone before getting up. De-compressing and starting day with a conversation made mornings worth looking forward to. It has been so long that I have had a chat like that with anyone. These songs remind me of those rituals and her. Few days back I dreamt of her. I don’t remember the specifics but it was something in the context of her being indifferent to me on an airport.

It is funny how so many memories of her are all tied to travel, flights and airports and yet we were on an airport together maybe only once. And I remember that particular instance ended in both of us being distraught and sad. I am just glad we are not doing that to each other anymore. I continue to believe, this path has given certainty, closure and ability to move forward. Hopefully towards peace and maybe solitude.

One of the things a friend recently said, that helped me articulate it in a way, that I felt more at peace with it is

Solitude is chosen, loneliness is not ~ A Friend