Blast from past!

Blast from past!

My knuckle is healing. It doesn’t pain anymore. I am not sure if that’s a good thing. Till now it kept reminding me of her. Anyway, what’s the point? As everyone has already told me, that hanging on and trying still, is an unwise and stupid thing to do. But then, something inside, keeps asking me; “just because it would make you look unwise and stupid; would you choose to not do it”? I really don’t know the answer. Probably, I would not do it because, I know she doesn’t have much time left to get over me and all that is about me. I can still give myself years to move on; but we are not sure, how many weeks she has got! And I thought, life was being tough on me! Yeah.. Right!?
“Plum”, Don’t keep hanging; just let go. Please. I am not worth it anyway.

I found an entry in my old abandoned blog which I started last year but never used again after that one entry. I was completely drunk that day when I wrote this. :- One of those days you know…

Timestamp :: 10-July-2005 - 5:23 pm.
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So I am back here! Now as an anonymous user. I don’t know who I am scared of most? Friends, Myself or maybe someone who just made me start all my diaries now and then. Not that it matters. I am back, because I know I would need to ooze out. Maybe once each year, but atlest “once” it is.
I am sitting here and wondering, what did I deserve to get this life? I don’t want to discuss it. I have had enough of vodka today. And now I want more. When I opened my inbox, the mail was lying there. Even after clicking on it, I was just wondering, whether I should open it or not. Somewhere inside me, I didn’t want to, but rest of me just couldn’t wait. It’s been years… I mean YEARS.. I am still hanging there… More crude and selfish. Not myself kind.. But it has helped me get through all these years. It’s not a good day for sure. I want to tear away all my diaries, all my blogs.. I want to start again; and I don’t want to start with tears!!
Please .. God help me.
Somedays back, I was going through PostSecret and what an amazing website it is. It makes me feel one of all, in this world. I was wondering what’s in me, that I can put up there.. And I couldn’t stop the flooding secrets.. Biggest one ever.. “I love to see myself miserable and sad” “I ain’t happy, when I am happy”….
“I never got over her, and I never will” …
“Only person I trust is GOD, because I know he doesn’t exists!!”
“I am scared.”
there are so many things, that I would love to discuss with someone.. But naaa.. I can’t find that person.
I am going to die, closed and crumpled inside.
I wish I was as carefree as I pretend I am…
Why did u do this stupid..?
Only if I would have just slept off like it did always, on that day instead of getting up and finding u online.. My life would have been so different…
I am thankful that u gave it to me… But I am more sorry that I let u, and I hate u because u took it away anyway. Maybe it’s the only day, when I can say it to you.. “Fuck U”.. u made me half of what I am today..
but I still wish in temple everyday that u get all the happiness in the world. Because I love u and I just can’t help not doing it..
Be good…
sometimes u love so much that u could kill.. I can’t even get myself to do that!! I would still kill myself!!
It just puts in, a bad day in perspective…
and after ages.. I really mean ages.. I need that smoke which my roommate asked me to get on my way back!!
Cheers people I’m gonna fly!! :-)
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I wanted to write a poem… But a song came up in my ears, that made so much of sense today, so I’d rather paste that…

Bittersweet Symphony - By The Verve

‘Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony this life
Trying to make ends meet, you’re a slave to the money then you die
I’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah
No change, I can’t change, I can’t change, I can’t change,
but I’m here in my mold , I am here in my mold
But I’m a million different people from one day to the next
I can’t change my mold, no, no, no, no, no

Well, I’ve never prayed,
But tonight I’m on my knees, yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind , I feel free now
But the airwaves are clean and there’s nobody singing to me now

No change, I can’t change, I can’t change, I can’t change,
but I’m here in my mold , I am here with my mold
And I’m a million different people from one day to the next
I can’t change my mold, no, no, no, no, no

(Well have you ever been down?)
(I can’t change, I can’t change…)
(Ooooohhhhh…)

‘Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony this life
Trying to make ends meet, trying to find some money then you die
I’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah
You know I can’t change, I can’t change, I can’t change,
but I’m here in my mold, I am here in my mold
And I’m a million different people from one day to the next
I can’t change my mold, no,no,no,no,no
I can’t change my mold, no,no,no,no,no
I can’t change my mold, no,no,no,no,no

(It justs sex and violence melody and silence)
(It justs sex and violence melody and silence)
(I’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down)
(It justs sex and violence melody and silence)
(I’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down)
(Been down)
(Ever been down)
(Ever been down)(Lalalalalalaaaaaaaa…)
(Ever been down)
(Ever been down)
(Have you ever been down?)
(Have you ever been down?)
(Have you ever been down?)