Introspection
It has been a month since I started tracking my mood to build a better understanding of whether I am on a path of recovery yet or not. Looking at the data I would say that the verdict is still not clear. I do feel that a week back I was lot more neutral and ok, but suddenly the last few days or a week has been difficult. Maybe this is what peaks and troughs look like and over time they will flatten. If I look closely, I can see the upward and downward slopes somewhere between those points.
What I do know is that I have not been travelling much and that sort of has kept me busy at home, however starting next week I will be travelling a lot more, sometimes across timezones. And I know travel aggravates loneliness. But hopefully I'll manage it better this time around.
I do think my mind is actively working to help me tide over this. A lot of my dreams are worst case scenarios which sort of push me to move in a direction where I'll start to actively move on. Sometimes I nitpick and find flaws that don't exist to conceive incompatibilities that do not exist (or maybe do, since I am starting to become unsure about some things). I try to find reasons for hate, and while hate is impossible, it is an attempt to counterbalance my feelings. I have been thinking about finding people who can be just friends, meet and have a chat once in a while. I made my first attempt yesterday, lets see if it happens, I am far too unsure about meeting, but will take a leap of faith to reconnect with old friends who have grown out of touch. Have a friend visiting in early March, lets see how that goes, if I am back from my trip in time.
It just feels like, that my mind, this complex machinery is doing everything it can to nudge me and say "survive".
Some days are better than the others, busy ones for sure. One of things I am quite happy about is that my work is back on track. I am focused, driven and unyielding. I hope it stays that way. But I am also not surprised, there has never been a crisis in my life, that affected my work for long. Work and financial stability is the foundation my life is somehow built upon. I take some sort of pride in that level of reliability. My whole mind is wired that way and thats exactly why my weekends are the hardest.
The news at work is not great, but my stress is much lower today. Mostly a neutral outlook. I think I even enjoyed listening to some songs. I even cooked for myself and ate something I like.
Hopefully tomorrow is going to be better.